A Semi-Ironic Funeral Pre-Planner? Who Could It Be? 30,284 Words

I am beginning to advance the plot slightly, having now introduced the villains of the story, locked my main characters in a storage closet, and bombarded Will Hawthorne, the funeral director, with complicated problems and requests. Inspiration struck today, as I considered what else Will could face in a single day. I hope you like the result:

"“For reals. Wedding planning is an experience not unlike dying a slow, excruciating death, one in which one is crushed to death below the weight of minute and meaningless detail. It is a dark, scary world out there, Mr. Hawthorne, a dark. Scary. World.” She paused, shuddered, then gathered her strength to continue. “I have fallen back on my sense of humour and refined sense of irony to carry me through, and have decided to plan my wedding semi-ironically, which has lessened the burden significantly, and led me to think that an excellent semi-ironic exercise would be to plan my wedding and funeral simultaneously, both in the same theme.”
Will agreed that co-planning a wedding and funeral was semi-ironic, but was starting to wonder about the sanity of this woman. Well, in any case, if she came back after her wedding, wanting her money refunded, he could always refund her. He decided to proceed with utmost professionalism, treating this bizarre and rather amusing request at face value. He would deliver the service this young woman so desperately needed. He would, at the very least, try to provide a service superior to what she seemed to have been receiving in the wedding industry, a dark scary world to enter, indeed.
“Alright, Ms. Yorke, er, Julie. We will happily assist you with all your pre-planning needs. At least those related to funeral services. Although I would happily recommend a florist, or bakery, we have some excellent contacts.” Julie smiled gleefully, in an unhinged manner.
“Oh, I have the flowers and the cake all worked out. And the entertainment,” she giggled in a frightening, lunatic manner, but Will, ever the professional continued.
“So, the theme is...”
“Well, I am going with a semi-ironic, 1950s style, shitster sort of theme.” Will tried not to look as alarmed as he felt. It was a skill he was quite practiced in, and also, Julie would have to work quite a bit harder to shock Will at this point. As long as Julie wasn’t on fire, leaking, or rolling through a door, she seemed perfectly normal. Also, though it was a long shot, he thought he had a coffin in stock that would suit her needs perfectly. The week before, Will had received a coffin from a company based out of Santa Monica. He had not put in the request, and suspected that those assholes over at Ipswich and Sons had sent it over as a practical joke. To add insult to injury, he had been unable to return the coffin, the company, understandably so, had a no return policy.
The coffin was a bright, highly polished red, lending it a slick, lacquered look, like cherry red nail polish. When you opened the coffin, it revealed an inner lining made from satin and tulle, white, with black polka dots. He thought that would take care of the 1950s theme nicely. But what pushed this particular coffin over the edge from simple 1950s style into the semi-ironic category, was that placed on the inside of the coffin door, in black and white, was a signed portrait of Emilio Estevez, circa The Mighty Ducks (the first one, not the ill advised sequel, or the even more ill-advised third instalment in the series). Not only would it accentuate the viewing of the corpse during the wake and at the funeral, but then, the deceased would be face to face with a personalized Emilio portrait for all time. It was a stroke of genius. And clearly, only a shitster of refined taste would ever purchase it. It was just the thing."