The Shittiest Eulogy Ever, 25,105 Words

I don't want to get anyone's hopes up, because still nothing is happening in my novel, but I think this is a part that everyone will recognize. A eulogy delivered by a stranger pulled off of the street. Weirdest. Shit. Ever.

"“Beth was... at heart, a natural home decorator, as many of you in the room can testify to, we all know that Beth helped many of you pick colours for your interiors, some might even go so far as to say that she had a gift.” A gift for home interiors? Reggie wonders whether this is an appropriate theme for a eulogy, and as evidenced by the embarrassed exchanging of glances amongst the others, she sees that she is not alone in her assessment. The man continues, unperturbed by the lukewarm reception of his audience.
“I met Beth once, it was, well, I’ll never forget it. It was about 25 years ago, when my boat happened to drift past another boat, and though I actually did not see Beth on the deck, her ex-husband, Ross,” he pauses, waving across the room at a person Reggie can only assume is the ex-husband himself, “as I said, Ross was on the deck, holding on to one of their beloved dogs. Beth just loved those dogs, didn’t she? I think she might have even loved those dogs more than she loved the thrill of finding the perfect accent throw pillow. Am I right, folks?” The room remains largely silent, the odd throat clearing or soft cough the only response.
Reggie wants him to stop, she doesn’t think she can take much more. First the home interiors fiasco, now a related anecdote about the deceased, which in fact turns out to be about the deceased woman’s ex-husband? Unforgivable. Outrageous. Reggie is considering sneaking back out into the hallway, funeral rebellion be damned, when the eulogy, such as it is, takes a decided turn for the worse, and Reggie finds herself transfixed, unable to turn away, as though she were watching a train wreck, or perhaps a YouTube video of Cristiano Ronaldo, checking out one of his fellow player’s crotches.
“I don’t know how you all feel about this, maybe this will help, maybe it won’t,” an inauspicious beginning, if ever there was one. “But I find, when I have lost someone, that it really helps for me to think about that person and how they relate to building materials. Now, as we all know, my boss,” he pauses, his finger pointing toward the ceiling. ”My boss...Jesus, would be considered the cornerstone of any building. He is absolutely necessary in the successful completion of any type of construction. Try to build a house without him, you’ll learn!” The man chuckles nervously before continuing. “When I think about Beth, I think, Beth was the type of person that... you know... you could... build a house on Beth, she was just so solid. Beth, was... a foundation stone. And in the kingdom of our Lord, as we have learned, his house has many mansions. And all of them, every single one, is built upon a foundation. A foundation, made up of people like our beloved Beth.”
The room was thunderously silent. The man at the lectern had at last stopped speaking, but it was unclear whether he was finished, or incorporating some sort of dramatic pause, or perhaps he was waiting for applause? Finally, he spoke again, quickly and unceremoniously delivering the details of the interment, as well as the location of the reception following the service. Then he stepped away from the lectern, and quickly left the room.
The mourners seem shocked, unable to believe what they have witnessed, and they seem uncertain as to what they should do next. Was that it? Was that the funeral service? Reggie glances at Seth, and sees that he is shaking his head, a look of shock on his face. He leans over Tim, who is seated between them and whispers “what a shit show that was.” Reggie couldn’t agree more. Tim and Tab, who have overheard Seth’s proclamation, nod their heads in agreement."

I have included a picture of Seth, because Seth is in the midst of a metamorphosis. I think that this eulogy just might send Seth into a full-blown campaign to overhaul the funeral industry, or at the very least, the funeral home that he is partner of. Seth will not tolerate this sort of foolishness, trust. Will Hawthorne doesn't know what's coming, but he will, oh yes, and he had better batten down the hatches, for a storm is coming.